At 16:58 p.m. on December 30, 2016, I came out of the company and stood on the busy street. I suddenly felt very sad. Why do you still have no lover when you are so artistic? Why are you still working here when you are so talented? I look up at the sky and hear that when I look up at the sky at a 45 degree angle, tears will not flow down. I think, the sky is so big, it can contain all my grievances.

Today, as a programmer for many years, it's a common practice in this industry to not look down on the screen. It's more important to pay attention to the update of Internet industry and technology than to pay attention to their own food, clothing, housing and transportation. Every day's work is extremely planned. When there is a development task, it is the meeting and the realization of change. In addition to meeting with people, the rest of the time is facing the screen. As time goes by, the spare time will also face the screen habitually.

When I was just at work, I went home from work, watched videos, watched tutorials, and occasionally went out to play. I still wanted to learn technology, and I had a lot of problems to solve. Later, I didn't answer the phone, wechat gave up basically, QQ replied occasionally, and I usually slept on weekends. Later, I only occasionally sent a state of feeling about my life at one or two o'clock in the morning

I have been in the industry for a long time. The knowledge and accumulated experience can write more robust programs, can say more logical words, and can plan out more detailed workflow, which has benefited me a lot. However, in the long run, I have seen more source code and fewer people have contacted with it; I have built more wheels and less ideas in my heart; I have become more and more simple and my friends have become more and more single. Unconsciously from the perspective of the computer to see the problem, will fit their own ideas to the binary judgment of yes or no, into this state of violation of human nature

Daily life needs compromises again and again. In compromises, we need to update ourselves. However, the work of programmers needs to be studied in iterations. Software development is a kind of project, a kind of plan. It's hard not to bring this way of thinking into life. However, work can be planned, idle time can not be planned, and the planned idle time is no longer idle time

The programmer's job is to design as well as possible to avoid exceptions. Too many times, I can't help but bring this kind of design, planning and avoid abnormal thinking mode into my life. It seems that I have a clear conditioning, but there are few surprises. No surprise life is boring. It's like a fish in a fish tank. If all of a sudden it remembers more than 7 seconds, and realizes that it has already turned one, two, three times in this fish tank... How boring

I'm not a fish, and I can remember more than 7 seconds. Maybe people will always feel bored. When a person is bored, they will think nonsense. I always think of an old question: what kind of life do you want to have in the future?

In retrospect, ten years ago, I thought about it as well. Maybe I was too young and rebellious at that time. I didn't want to be a replica of the Chinese education system. I was self-confident and didn't want to follow the established path, but there was no way to go! Confused about the future, let oneself fall into chaos can not extricate themselves

I think over and over again every day, what do I like, what am I good at, and what can I do well? After that, he denied himself severely. Facing life dissatisfaction, he was in pain every day. I want to take advantage of my youth to spend my time on more valuable things, but I don't know what to do, I can't find interest and ideal, and gradually there is no pursuit.

However, life is so cruel, there is not much time for me to waste on decadence, and eating, drinking and playing with friends can not fill my emptiness. After a long time, it will force me to face the cruel reality again, fall into self contradiction again, and be at a loss where to go

Until one day, I found that I didn't really have no interest and ideal, but I didn't have the patience to do in-depth research. I was passionate about everything for three minutes. I prefer to stand at the door and watch, envy others' achievements, or pretend to understand without knowing, and talk loudly with pride, that is, I don't want to pay attention to the truth behind.

At that time, no one can help me, this is a knot, I want to understand everything, but still hesitate to wait and see

Sometimes, I would rather be confused, I would rather be at a loss, and I would not really do something

Sometimes, I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Conceit becomes inferiority. It's unbridled there

Why can I excel in the virtual world of computer games, while I fail in real life games! I miss that in high school, our 3K World War II team was devoted to studying the advantages and tactical combinations of all kinds of arms all day long. They grew up in constant attempts and abuse, and eventually swept the whole school to invincible.

Yes, when you really start to operate it, you can integrate your interest into your life, and you can really feel the charm of this thing through one day and one night's experience and perception.

When I entered the second world by mistake, I didn't know how long I could hold on to it. In terms of "dead horse as a living horse doctor", I was not too much. I vaguely remember that I didn't know how to define a variable after learning all the courses! I don't know how many problems there will be in the future. It makes me depressed, but I have no way but to continue to insist. I am annoyed, this is what I have been yearning for since junior high school. I raised my feet, but I couldn't get into the door!

When I finally became a programmer, this is not easy. It is inseparable from the help and care of teachers, classmates and relatives around me, as well as from my efforts and persistence!

At that time, I really felt that I had found my way and direction. I was happy and could fly like a teenager.

There is a saying in Han Han's book: a person, in society, can live to fall, can live to be selfish, can live to be indulgent, just can't live to be numb.

It's true. Maybe it's too fast. The first time I quit was because I was mentally retarded. I couldn't stand the company's perfunctory attitude towards the project, but I was so serious about negotiating with the boss. The second time I quit was because I was mentally retarded, and I was cheated by the boss of the company, and I couldn't bear it. The third time I quit was because I was mentally retarded, and I was afraid that I would have a servile skull

I guess it's the weakness of character brought by the mother. It's very simple to think about everything! Eat when you are hungry, drink when you are thirsty, sleep when you are sleepy, cry when you are in pain, spray when you are dissatisfied, and leave when you are not satisfied

Of course, I was stimulated by so many things. Later, I began to like rock and roll!

Standing on the bridge that can divide the world
Still can't see
In those moments
Cover our dark heart
What is it
Living alone in my heart
Lonely sea monster
King of pain
Getting tired of the light of the deep sea
Stagnant waves
Standing on the bridge where you can see the lights
Still can't see
In those nights
Light our dark heart
What is it
So he chased in silence
Young people crossing the channel
Look at them
For the other side
The death of pride

Rock is a kind of mental state, is a kind of emotional catharsis and release. Its significance lies in reflecting the social reality, not faking, not pretending. It is a mirror, reflecting the real things, making people advance, struggle and stick to the ideal in their hearts. Sometimes it will also show disharmony, making people negative, pessimistic, decadent.

"Radical indignant youth, pursuit of freedom, believe in love, adhere to the truth" is the only tenet in my heart, but in the real society, these are pale and powerless. There have been many routines, and it may be better to be a bystander, that is, "the so-called maturity is a smile that is clearly crying but not saying a word.". Save energy, put more time on what you like to pay attention to, it's more meaningful!

Maybe it's because of the season change, I think I've changed a lot. I feel that my observation power has become stronger, and I begin to pay attention to things that I would not normally pay attention to.

I began to change seasons to buy clothes, to learn to cook with my mother, to learn to care for others

I find that the mother who sells pancakes and fruits is paid more than me!

I think my EQ has become higher because someone has praised me so much!

I also suddenly found that I was old, more and more younger brothers and sisters were around me, and the second voice of Mr. Zhang forced it down to the fourth voice! I lament that the post-90s around me are so fond of playing. I regret that they waste their time. Bai told me, "that's because you don't have time.".

Yes, time flies. I'm 28 years old in a flash. Looking back, it seems that there are too many things I haven't done

After more than one year's hard work, I still haven't succeeded. My four-year trip to Tibet still hasn't started. My English is a radius of eight Liang. I haven't even tried to make my mother's soup of pickled vegetables and ribs

Sometimes I start to hate my cowardice. I think about the consequences of every decision I make! The more I think about it, the more difficult it is for me to lift my feet. Just like ten years ago, I became that confused teenager again.

I still have many detours to go, and I will be disappointed in many satisfaction. Everything will show its significance in the future. At this moment, I picked up my camera and began to imagine that Dharma wanders and carves time